I was pissed off at The Divine. Although I loved Her with all of my heart, I was deeply angry.
I didn’t understand being born into a world of pain and destruction. It must have been that we were no longer connected and that, actually, She didn’t even exist. It must have been that, in my mind, “I” became The Divine. She was not there and the only sound that I could hear was the chattering of my own thoughts.
Using reason and a game called scientific proof, I convinced myself that only the world that I could think of and that I could prove (based upon what I already knew) was the only world that there was. Using this logic, “I” created enemies where none had existed. I created a world wherein my understanding of who was right and who was wrong became the law. Truth became what I thought truth to be true. Didn’t need The Divine anymore, I had my own mind.
It took some time. It took quite some time. But, eventually, “I” experienced an awakening. Slowly at first but then much more deliberately, I began to feel. As I began to feel, I began to know a world of my feelings. It was a subterranean world hidden underneath the world of thinking. With this feeling, “I” began to pierce through the shell of my own logic and reason. Slowly but surely, there was a shift beyond the world of illusion created by my own thinking — to a deeper world of feeling.
In this world of logic and reason, in the world created with my own thinking, there was comfort and safety. No one disagreed. It seemed safe to walk around thinking the way that many others were thinking. It felt safe to live in a world of pain and destruction. Although I told a story about thinking for myself, actually I was running with the herd.
At first the world of feelings felt like a lonely, scary place to be. Moving deeper into the world of feeling, I began feeling the deep connectedness to other people, other beings, even the rocks and the trees. The deeper I felt my feelings, the more I began to suspect that my feelings were no longer just mine. The world of feeling began to be bigger than “I” and I began to feel connected once again.
Inside of the world of feeling, thinking gradually gave way to knowing. Truth gave way to curiosity. Right and wrong gave way to wonder.
The deeper “I” went into the underworld of feelings, the more I began to shed old emotional baggage that I had not dealt with before. Beneath the hard shell, deep into this emotional body, “I” began to discover emotions, experiences and traumas that hadn’t been dealt with when younger. Beginning to feel these feelings, those repressed memories and emotions, slowly they began to bubble towards the surface.
Eventually, digging so deep into my emotional world, I found that I wasn’t actually angry with The Divine at all. “I” was afraid of The Divine. The anger had been a cover up for fear. So now I began to feel the fear and to notice it; no longer trying to cover the fear up and denying it. But what was it that I was afraid of?
As a little boy, I became afraid that if I didn’t think and live in a world of pain and destruction just like my mom and dad, then I would be separated and isolated from their love. I wanted to be as close to mom and dad as I could be. So I adopted their world and adopted their fear. Maybe that was the fear. Maybe it was part of my ancestral lineage. Maybe the fear came with my education.
But it was not my fear. The fear was adopted so that I could be part of their tribe. I didn’t want to be separated from the herd. But now that “I” was a grown man, I didn’t need to be like someone else. There was only the need to learn to become more and more just like myself. I needed to learn again to trust myself. I began to trust my own feelings. I began to listen to the quiet whisper of my own true higher self. This is called maturity.
The more that I shed the old emotional baggage and welcomed in the old fear, the more that “I” became deeply connected with my own body and also with a higher power. Letting go of the anger at The Divine, I began to allow this fear of The Divine to bubble to the surface to be healed. You feel it to heal it.
Continuing on along that journey of emotional and spiritual awakening, I build a deeper, clearer connection with The Divine. This is a world accessed with deep levels of listening. This is a journey from thinking, to feeling, to knowing. At the level of The Divine, there is no “I”.